Vision Blurred...

"This Brutal House"

Paintings

A Rose and Her Sunshine...

I'm growing up so fast I've almost forgotten all of my adventures when I was younger. I've always wanted to be Peter Pan, to always be a little boy and have fun. However, life is an overcasting shadow always right behind you, forever growing closer. No matter how young you try to be, you are always dragged toward adulthood.

When you graduate high school, every group of friends think that they'll always stay in contact, always be together. Sure, it works out for the first year, but after that, for the most part, people grow apart, fall out of contact and that's that. However, there are some people who refuse to let you go, who can't live without you, who need to have you in their life, and those are your true friends.

From what I've found, these friends come to you, mostly, through serendipitous ways (or at least for me that is).

I would like to, if I may (seeing as this is my blog, I may), talk about one of my friends who has greatly influenced my life and who I've become today. She has supported me in everything I've done, aided me in my creative thought, helped me see the beautiful things in the world, has helped me see life in a different way, helped me see the positive side, has journeyed with me on many adventures, and I hope I have done the same for Rosie.

Sadly I cannot remember the first day we met, but will tell you the event when I realized we were to be significant figures in each other's lives...

Here's some information about me and Rosie: We have the same birthday, we were born in the same hospital just a few hours from each other (Rosie is older), so that means as new borns we were in the same nursery in the hospital. Something must have happened in that small room. If memory serves me properly, I think I found out this information when my mom showed me the baby announcement in the paper and I saw Rosie's name.

Now if you didn't think that was epic, hold onto your chairs. The two of us were filling out college applications one afternoon at her house when we both had to supply our Social Security Number. Rosie didn't know her's by heart so she had to find it. I, on the other hand, knew it by heart. I quickly recited my number and after Rosie found her number she read her's aloud. We both had a shocked and ecstatic look on our faces. Our Social Security Numbers are right after each other. -What?!- Yeah I know!

Referring back to my first sentence, while growing up it's hard to remember all of the happy moments in your life with certain people when you aren't with them. Rosie and I go to two different colleges far away from each other so we aren't together anymore. It sucks. Being here in New York I've grown up so much. I've been so career-focused and future-minded I haven't taken the time to look back to the past. It's very important to remember the happy moments in your life, it will help you feel happy today.

When I think of her I think of the conversations we would have together. I can't even really remember any conversation specifically but just the feeling of bliss and freedom I was experiencing is something I haven't felt with anyone else. I've tried to have conversations with people but Rosie is the only person who I can have a "ridiculous" conversation and have something magical come of it. Talking with her makes time stop, or at least make it seem like it has. One night we went to Time Horton's and talked and philosophized and imagined until we wondered what the time was. It was 3am. "No, it can't be" was the popular phrase that moment. We then proceeded to go to her house, laid on her porch with a pillow and blanket staring at the stars continuing our theories about life and the universe. We talked through the sunrise until we decided that it was best for us to finally go to bed.

Our conversations have always stayed optimistic. We seem to feed off each other's positivity.

I can't believe I haven't thought about that night more often, it was amazing. But this is what happens when you grow up. You don't replace these moments but they seem to be pushed aside by the new memories you're creating with your new friends. The new memories are like bullies stuffing these older, weaker memories into a cramped locker in the back of your mind.

Some of my fondest memories with that wonderful girl is in the passenger seat of her truck, Xander, singing songs at the top of our lungs, harmonizing, sometimes not harmonizing, but we didn't care. We were together, laughing.

We took an adventure to Berea, Ohio to see our friend Jesse perform in one of his school shows and what an adventure we had. "Sta- woah," dead batteries, walking in the rain, getting lost on the thruway and singing. I wish I could remember ever minute of it but I can't. I can remember how I felt though. The best. Even though our memory can't retain every small detail of an event we can always uncover that same emotion we felt.

We both see each other as the other's half, twin if you will (and I will). That being said, we are complete opposites. Paraphrasing what Rosie said, I'm the sunlight and she's the moonlight. I blossom in the summer rays and the first snow fall is her ecstasy. And like the most famous opposite, Yin and Yang, we fit perfectly, have a a little bit of "light" or "dark" in the respective side, complement, and balance each other.

-To Rosie-

I will love you forever, with all of my heart, body and soul. Although our time as youth is fleeting, our adulthood can be just as fill with journeys, adventures, love, laughs, song, dance, talks and walks as it has been in the pasts. It's something we shouldn't fear, for fear will destroy us. I'm truly excited about growing up, it's just another grand adventure. It's what we make of it.

Don't worry, the sunbeams will find you, I'll make sure of that.

And Rosie, all of our answers are in the stars and I'll be right next to you, counting them with you.

-Taylor

Post Script: ...I will.

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Rape Can Be Beautiful...

The Rape of Proserpina. One of my favorite pieces. It was created by Bernini between 1621-1622. The movement, the facial expressions... yes. But my favorite part of this piece is none of these really, it's Poseidon's hand grasping her thigh.

The fact that Bernini could make Proserpina's thigh look like this...it's beyond words.

The Rape of the Sabine Women by Giambologna. The poses of the figures and the twisting movement that occurs between the three of them is brilliant.

Birth of a Smile...

[Note: I decided to do a happy post in hopes of negating my previous one]

Winter, the season of death. Trees are bare, animals hibernate, people are wearing black, the weather is cold and disgusting and the lack of sunlight is unbearable. After the 3.5 months are done, spring comes. Oh wonderful spring, the season of rebirth. Trees and flowers are in bloom, animals are having sex and giving birth to offspring, pastel colors, florals and prints are being worn, the weather is ideal and the sun, the beautiful sun is shining!

To get ready for spring I picked up two books. The first, A Midsummer Night's Dream. My favorite comedy by Shakespeare. The second, The Happiness Project, and it's amazing. Gretchen Rubin, author, decided to make her life that much better by starting what she called "The Happiness Project." She researched what happiness is, what causes happiness, how to be more happy and other things like that, and she tried to apply them all to her life. She decided to commence her project as her new year's resolution. Each month she would tackle a part of her life she needed to improve that would help her reach a higher level of happiness (Energy, Marriage, Friendship, Parenting, Family, things that that). She would carry each goal into the next month so in December all of them would come together.

Over the summer I'm going to do my own mini happiness project. Very excited.

Life is what you make it, so make it happy. Try so see the brighter side of things, things happen for a reason, both good and bad. Smile more often, I thing I read somewhere that you'll feel more happy if you simply smile more often you'll feel happier. Do small things for yourself! Stop thinking of others for once, put yourself first sometimes. Spend time with friends, do things you like. Listen to happy music! Music is such a big part of my life. When I listen to happy music, I become more happy. It's as easy as that.

Believe I know what I'm talking about, my friends don't call me Sunshine for nothing.

Faucet of Frustration...

I warn you now, this is a vent/rant...

So yesterday [Monday April 19] I was acting all bitchy because I refused to be a girl's date to my school's "semi-formal" or formal, I don't know. People get dressed up. Here's the back story.

My group of friends and I were all going to go to the formal and off the bat Sam claimed Jaime. Gabby then claimed me. I was perfectly fine with it, whatever, it's happened before... but that's when it hit me. This situation has happened way too many times before. I end up being the date to someone in my group of friends because we all don't have boyfriends [because my group of friends are a bunch of girls and gay guys]. Fine, whatever, but I'd rather go as a group instead of "couples" because then people, both male and female, become territorial and it becomes just stupid. Now both Jamie and Gabby can't go so Sam immediately texted me to ask if I could be her date and I said "Negative." because 1) I didn't want to be sloppy seconds and B) No! [I'll expand later]

The last dance I went to was my prom, I had asked my friend, a male, to go with me but in the end he was unable to go because he wasn't going to be in the area. So I decided to go alone until I was talking to my wonderful friend Kelley, with an "EY." She had been to many proms before, so she's a pro at this kind of thing. We're very very close friends and I decided to ask her to go with me because not only does everyone love her, I knew I would have a more enjoyable time if she was there. And I did.

This situation is different. Anyone can go to this formal as long as they buy a ticket, so no one is left out. We're all going to go to a group anyway so why do I need to have a date, let alone be "claimed". I know it was all a joke, and I understand that, but as always I look passed the joking part.

So here's where I explain part B...No! This is the very harsh part of me so please deal. I honestly... not all the time... just on the major occasions...I'm just going to say it: I think it's really pathetic when a gay man or a hag/fruit fly/whatever you want to call her, constantly falls back on each other for dates. I know this time it was just a silly college formal thing but I just wanted to go as a big group of friends. Nothing more. We'd all dance and grind up on one another all night anyway. It just frustrates me.

Also, this is a little emo, let me see if I can explain this before I state it. I'm a very loving person. I like physical contact with people [i.e. snuggling, which I'm doing right now...creepy!] I hug people, I let people know I care about them [in a non-creepy way] and I do little things for my friends to make them a little happier. I'd like to do that to someone else, who isn't my friend. You get it? My mom once said, after she had asked how my dating life was [which I have none at the moment], she wanted to give me a puppy because she knows I have so much love to give. I think the best way of putting it is that it's "getting old" that I'm giving most of my affection to my female friends when all the time I wish I had a boyfriend to give it to. [Side note: I hate the term "partner" or "significant other"]

Here's where I try to tie everything together. I don't want to have a girl as a date because I'm sick and tired of it and I guess I see it as a waste of time and energy... according to what I stated earlier. However, and this is a big however, if it weren't a group outing this would be a different story. My friend Gabby asked me to go to a wedding with her. Wonderful, I was honored. I'm not bitching about that. She has a lot on her plate and if I had the same amount of work she has to do I would have asked her to go with me. I feel like I'm just digging myself into a big hole but whatever.

I hope you get it, if not, it's just how I feel and I'm sticking to it.

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Ode to Music...

One of the few, true beauties in life, music.

Listening to music while walking, reading, doing homework, sleeping, showering, talking with friends, sex, the list goes on and on.

One of the best gifts people can give me is a mixed CD. One of my favorite things to do is listen and experience music I've never heard before. It's like opening up a window shade to let more sun in your life. Anyway...I love getting new music. My friend DJ is one of the best mixed CDers I know. Every special event I hope he burns me a new CD. I've never been disappointed and I enjoy 99% of the music he's given me so far.

Can I just say how kick-ass it would be to be a traveling minstrel? Singing of tales you've heard, people you've met, the adventures you've been on. People hypnotized by your song [if you were good]. Plus the outfits you'd wear.

-Note- The picture featured I found in flickr when searching "mixed tape" and clicked interesting. Just wanted to share.

Jacquet Fritz Junior...

French sculptor Jaquet Fritz Junior

The Strange Things I Think of...

I just thought I'd share something that was thought of when I was waiting for the elevator....

What if elevators were alive? They would be pissed off all of the time. Think about it. Elevators never get a break, always up and down, up and down. They're constantly given orders by annoying people who don't care about them. They are sometimes given more than one request at the same time and they have to figure out the most efficient way to bring these people to their destinations. Sometimes they can spread the work between two or three of them but still. And when the people are too impatient they press the call button two more times then in a rapid succession if the elevator was taking too long. Then they always allow us into their mouthes and they don't eat us.

On a side not...all pictures of elevators are creepy. The lighting around them are not pleasing and are just...really creepy. They make me think of The Shinning. Creepy elevators...crelevators.

An Oldie but Goodie...

Dear Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich,

How I love thee so.

Always and forever,

Taylor

So, the good ol' PB&J. We all used to eat them in grade school during our lunch period. Mom would diagonally cut in half with the crust cut off and don't forget your glass of milk. So many different varieties. Bread: Do you want the classic white bread, the healthy wheat bread or maybe you could be a little eccentric and try a little of that yellow potato bread. Peanut butter: Creamy or crunchy? Jelly: so many flavors to choose from and there's also the jam alternative. Then there's the ratio of peanut butter to jelly. Do you prefer more peanut butter or more jelly? Or are the kind of person who needs constant balance in your life? There's so much to take into consideration.

Usually PB&J fades out of your diet in middle school into high school. That's not the case for me. I love PB&Js. I'm in college and I still eat them. I like my PB&J on white bread [I know it's not good for you but I don't give a damn] smooth, creamy peanut butter, preferably Jiff with grape jelly. Ideally, there should be 1/4 jelly and 3/4 peanut butter. And I do enjoy the occasional crunchy peanut butter, it all depends on my mood.

I almost forgot! We can't forget PB&J's partners in crime! Fluff and bananas are the traditional choices. But I've also heard of apples, which isn't too far-fetched, but also bacon...I don't judge when it comes to food, I'll try anything once, but that never would have crossed my mind. There's also honey, syrup, raisins, marshmallows, chocolate and even dried fruit.

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Outlet of Creativity...

Ever since I could hold a pencil in my left hand I've drawn. On everything. In school my notebooks were covered. Doodles of creatures, squiggles, geometric shapes, caricatures of my teachers and other forgotten creations. In my AP World History class I was sitting up in the front, taking notes, paying attention, not bothering anyone, just sitting there doodling in my margins and my teacher started...not yelling but talking in an agitated voice...saying how all I do is sit and doodle and not pay attention. I then stated that I've been paying perfect attention. I showed him all of my notes and recited what he had just been talking about. He then grabbed my pencils and threw them across the room.

When my age was still in the single digits, my answer to age old question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be an illustrator for Disney. I thought it was all so magical. I loved watching Disney movies (Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, The Lion King, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hurcules, Mulan...you get it) but I knew that's what I wanted to do when I watched Beauty and the Beast...don't judge me. But then something happened, Toy Story. Once Pixar came into the scene my dreams were crushed. Everything stated to become computer animated: Finding Nemo, A Bug's Life, The Incredibles, Wall E...all great movies but the classics are the best. I wanted to be a part of that wonderful creative process. To bring these beings to life and to see them go from an idea in your head, through your arm, to your hand, fingers, and transfer from pencil to paper. It's true when an artist says that their paintbrush, pencil, charcoal, or whatever, is just an extension of your arm.

When it came time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life I had a horrible time. I knew some things: I wanted to do something practical [not theatre or become a random artist aka Fine Arts], I wanted to go away, I wanted to become independent and fast, I wanted to study abroad, I wanted to live in New York City and I wanted to do something where I could be creative [...insert previous told story on how I got into fashion...]

So now I'm trying to figure out how to bring some creativity to my life; a creative outlet. I still continue to draw, I'll never stop. I draw fashion figures. I've only had two formal classes...but...anyway. I've been trying to find a project that will be epic. Something I can work on over weeks, months, years maybe! A project that keeps building and building. Something that won't be done until I step back, look at it and just walk away knowing there's nothing left to do.

Maybe I should have an epic sketchbook filled with anything and everything: sketches, doodles, fashion figures, swatches, collages... Gabby suggested I take pictures of people who I find interesting looking on the street and draw them. I love the ideas, I'll add to them.

That's why I started this blog, as a way to have an outlet for something.

But seriously, I need an outlet, a project something to look forward to doing.

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Spider-Web Connections...

Now that the show is over it's time to get back on track. I'm going to start up again with one of my favorite topics...

Things happen for a reason.

I love the web of life and how everyone is interconnected. You know how people always say, "It's a small world" ? Well it's true, that's why everyone says it. Just in these few months I've been thrown into a world of small connections.

My epic story begins a year ago...

I decided to change my major because I realized I couldn't design menswear for the rest of my life. I had to redo ny whole spring schedule and I decided to take volleyball because I love it so. In my class was a wonderful girl, Lindsay. I had never met Lindsay before, I don't think I had ever seen her around school. We would always be the first two in the gym waiting for everyone else and we would just talk about how our lives were, laughing about silly things and then had fun during class. We were more acquaintances than friends. We became friends on Facebook, because that's what my generation does when they meet someone new. After that semester we didn't keep in contact, if we saw each other at school we would smile and wave to each other, ask how everything was going and then quickly run off to class. Unknown to each other we decided to apply to be an RA. After going to one of the many mandatory information sessions, the applying RAs had to pick a date for our interview session. I had picked Friday February 12 at 2:00pm because I had no classes that day. We had to sign in at the interview and I saw the name "Lindsay Rodabaugh." A few minutes later, she comes walking in, we see each other and big smiles come over both of our faces. We start to talk about everything and blah blah blah. On her Facebook I saw that she was a part of the recent FIT production and I asked how that went [this will come up again later...I hope you're following] Lindsay and I were then put in the same group during the interview session, so that made things that much better. The last part of this session was the actual interview, two to be exact. I had to interview with a Building Manager and then an RA. My RA was Gabrielle Montgomery. Lindsay knew who she was and said that she's really nice. I had never met or seen Gabby before this day. So during the interview she asked me what I did in high school, or something like that, and I said I was the "Drama Kid." She immediately started to tell me to try out for "Guys & Dolls" and I said I would think about it. After all was done, Lindsay and Gabby talked for a bit and Gabby reiterated to Lindsay to get me to try out for a role. One thing lead to another and I'm a part of the show. I clung to Lindsay because I knew no one and she knew everyone. I won't go into the drama that happened but Gabby messaged me on Facebook that she heard about some things that were happening and that I could talk to her whenever. We messaged back and forth a little because I just needed to vent. I got to know everyone better and then after one rehearsal we went over to Gabby's room, this is where our friendship really began, being in a casual, non-virtual, setting. Throughout rehearsals we all became closer and more comfortable with each other...I mean, by the end of the show Lindsay and I were making out on stage. Gabby eventually told me, "I Facebooked you because you had a 716 number." [Western New York area code] Come to find out Gabby lived in Lockport, which is close to Lewiston. She then told me about a fortune she got out of a fortune cookie "A lifelong friend shall soon be made." She received that on the same day as the interviews. She also told me that she was originally scheduled to do interviews for the week previously but had switched with someone.

Go figure...

Lindsay had told me that the best thing about Theatre Ensemble is the friendships you make. She was right.

There are so many different connections. During my first day at orientation we had to get our school IDs and I kept putting it off because the line was so long. Eventually my dad had to go to some parent thing and I decided to wait in line. The girl in font of me was wearing a DA [Dumbledore's Army] sweatband on her wrist, I commented on it and now she's a close friend. Also, if it wasn't for meeting her and changing my major, I never would have met my current roommate and close friend Patrick.

Also, one time I was going to meet my friend Jeff in Brooklyn for dinner. He told me how to get there and it was very simple: take the 2 or 3 to the first or second stop in Broolyn, I can't remember right now. I went to Penn Station, got on the 2, thought to myself, "wait, this is an express train and my stop isn't an express stop." [stupid I know but just wait...] I got off at the next stop, hopped on the 1 and then I realized how stupid I was. I got off at Chambers St. and got on the 3. I sat down and out of the corner of my eye I see someone walking toward my end of the car and I hear "Taylor!" It was Jeff. Not only did we get on the same subway, but the same car.

It's such a wonderful feeling when you realized why things happen, it so magical.

So many things happen for a reason, you just won't know until the end.

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